Motivation (I Ain't Dead Yet)

October 17, 2010 - Sunday

Written: OCTOBER 17, 2010
About: OCTOBER 9th & 10th

I’m steady stayin behind on thiz diary crap man. The more i plan 2 get caught up, the more far behind I get. So I’m stop tryna catch up & just jump in wit tha NOW. Except 4 this one thang. I gotta tell you bout Saturday night (a week ago) cuz dat shit waz fuccin crazy man.

Okay, so I’d asked Snowflake if she wanted 2 go up 2 F-City with me that night when she got off work 2 go to tha DOPE ZONE (bad-ass hip hop club). There aint no good clubs here in B-Ville & R-Town so really F-City is where u gotta go. Itz just usually a problem bein that itz about an hour from where i stay and with midnite curfew datz really a problem. But I figured we’d just stay out all night. Fucc it.

So Snowflake got off about 10:00 (later than we hoped) but I’d already run across da state line 2 score a bottle of vodka (dry county) so i waz waitin 4 her in da parkinglot of her work with a drink waiting. I’d already started drinkin & feelin buzzed. She took a quicc shower & we waz ready 2 head 2 tha DOPE ZONE.

Snowflake said G-Tag wanted 2 go 2 but we’d hav 2 stop & picc him up in L-Town (which waz on da way). So we cruise over 2 tha house where he waz chillin & there waz so many damn cars I had 2 park on the grass. There waz maybe 8 or 9 vehicles parked outside. G-Tag came outta tha half-closed garage door & said we should come in & chill 4 a min.

Up in dat garage waz like 20 fuccin vato’s doin tattoos & shit, & a couple of em were checcin out a gun. They waz blazin up in there 2. Me & Snowflake kicced it but we waz kinda wantin 2 go cuz it waz already gettin late & tha club only open till 2:00. So then G-Tag waz like, “You wanna roll? Okay letz roll.”

Some mexican chic followed us out askin 4 a ride. I waz tellin her we needed 2 get 2 tha club so she could come with us if she wanted. She waz like, “No, just give me a ride anywhere & drop me off. These fools just took my money.”

So I bacced out from where i waz parked & barely pulled into the street when G-Tag remembered he 4got his CDs so I stopped & he jumped out & ran bacc towards the house. Not 5 seconds later, 3 fuccin cop carz came swarmin into the street right at me. I waz thinkin, “what da fucc did i get into man?” All i could think waz that it waz a fuccin raid & i just got caught in the middle of it. Wrong place, wrong time.

Snowflake waz like, “Bacc up. Letz get outta hear.”

I put it in reverse & started 2 bacc up but then the copz got out yellin 4 us 2 stop. They came runnin up demanding to see ID & askin a million questions. Snowflake asked em what waz goin on & they said they had a report of someone driving without their lights on & since itz a gang neighborhood & they just had a shooting over there, they waz checcin it out.

The copz had a million fuccin questions like always:
-what are you doing over here?
-where are you going?
-where’d you just come from?
-who just ran inside?
-you come around hear much?
-who lives in that house?
-why’d you stop & let someone run inside?
-did you know this is a gang neighborhood?

I waz so sure i waz goin bacc. While the fuccin five-oh waz runnin our names & lisence plate & shit I reached in my poccet & got my blue sharpie & handed it 2 Snowflake & said, “Right this on your hand.” I gave her my mom’s cellphone #. “Calll my mom & tell her what happened.”

We maybe got stopped 4 a stupid petty reason, but here i waz on parole with other felons, drinking & driving, & with alcohol in the car. So I was really thinkin this wasn’t good. Plus it was just half an hour till my ACTUALL curfew since i hadn’t mentioned 2 my PO Id be stayin out that night.

The cops asked if we had any drugs & firearms in the car & then asked 2 search it. So we all got out & stood there while they went through the front seats, bacc seats, & trunk. They found da alcohol but didn’t say nothin except came over 2 do the breathalyzer on me. I dunno how, but somehow I passed da shit. They asked if i’d been drinkin & I admitted, “I had a shot of vodka.”

So in the end, they let me & Snowflake go but they kept the lil mexican chic cuz turned out she waz only 16 & her mom did not want them 2 releaser her. So we could got sum kinda fuct up charged just from her bein a minor---especially if she’d been drinking.
So anyway, that waz a fuccin adrenaline rush 4 real. Me & Snowflake both couldn’t believe we got 2 just walk away after all dat. When da cops were gone we went bacc over there 2 grab G-Tag & now we waz goin 2 da club 4 sure! It waz a lil past midnight but we waz half-way to F-City so why not?

I waz wearin a button-up shirt over my white-T & no hat cuz Im sicc of gettin fuct with tryna get in dat club---past experiences. Sumtimes they aint trippin much on tha dress code but sumtimes they do... Anyway, i guess they wazn’t trippin 2 much cuz they let G-Tag in & he waz wearing his baggy jeans & baggy hoodie & fitted hat. They made him take da hat off tho.

I didn’t kno if G-Tag would even really be feelin tha vibe at the DOPE ZONE cuz it mainly blacc people up n there---And G-Tag (he’s mexican) alwayz talkin bout “nigger this” and “nigger that” but fucc it. I waz ready 2 have a good time & it wazn’t my problem if he didn’t like the crowd. I waz still gonna PARTY!!!

Fucc buyin drinks when we had vodka in da car, so I just hit tha dance floor. Snowflake was out there with me 4 a min, but she saw G-Tag hangin bacc by himself so she went 2 kicc it with him. I ran bacc out 2 tha car 4 sum more Vodka. There waz copz everywhere so I didn’t wanna bother mixin it with anything. Took a couple big chugs & walked strait bacc n da club.

Then I waz really getting down out there on tha dance floor. Started dancin with this one chicc, who had a dude all up on her 2. she waz like dancin between us & rubbin up on us both. This dude kept starin at me all cold & shit, mean muggin & shit. I kept askin, “Is this your girl?” ... “HEY! Is this your girl?”

Cuz i ain’t gonna just strait-out fuccin try 2 take ya girl right in front of you even if she wants me more. Cuz if that’s your girl then ima respect that. But this punk wouldn’t fuccin say a word. Not one. So I waz like fucc it, & kept dancin. In her eyes she wanted me & that waz good enough. LOL.

In tha bathroom I ran n2 this fuccin amazing sexy super-modle lookin blacc chicc & she was like, “Hey G-Money, remember me?”

And I waz thinkin, do I actually know this chicc?

I waz like, “You fine as hell, girl. Where I know you from?”

Prison. She told me her name LaKeisha & then I rememebered her. Damn, it makes a difference gettin out of dem prison whites. LOL! So I got a couple quicc pix of us n da mirror b4 she dissapeared bacc in2 da crowds.

We stayed till tha club shut down. And now that tha music stopped & I stopped dancing, I realized I waz really fuct up. The 3 of us made it bacc 2 my car, CRIM & I asked G-Tag 2 drive. Now that should tell u i waz REALLY fuct up cuz i ain’t let ANYONE else drive my ride EVER. Especially Crim. No one but me has drivin Crim since I bought tha car. But now I waz lettin G-Tag drive. All I waz worried about waz da rims. “Watch the curbs man, don’t scratch my rimz!”

G-Tag I guess took us over 2 some of his mexican homie’s crib in S-Ville. I waz 2 fuct up 2 C whur exactly we were going. Everything waz double. I waz seein 6 stoplights instead of 3. 2 stopsigns instead of 1. When we got 2 tha homie’s crib we all got out tha car & at first i started talkin wit one dude there Loco. I waz just chillin, leaning against the hood. Erythang waz cool, & then I started feelin kinda sicc. I leaned bacc on the hood & erythang started spinning & i felt siccer. I prolly looked like a wrecc 2. I’d shed my button-up on tha dance floor & waz just wearin my white-T shirt. And as soon as we got in da car I’d put on my blue rag all sloppy & shit tho & my $-sign fitted hat all side-wayz.

As we walked up inside the pad their I remember telling Snowflake I felt sicc. I also had grabbed my BB Pistol at the last minute & had it in my wasteband when we went in. I think cuz G-Tag had asked 2 borrow my knife right as we got there so i waz trippin bout not bein strapped.

Next thing I know I’m in the kitchen & a dog comes runnin at me. I waz sitting in a chair, 2 fuct up 2 get up, & see I’m being charged by a big dog. Instinct kicct in & I grabbed the gun out of my pants & aimed 4 tha dog. I didn’t shoot it. Shit i aint even pull da trigger. But Snowflake tripped on me & grabbed the gun outta my hand.

Next thing I know I’m still sittin on that folding chair in the middle of the kitchen & start puking my guts out on the kitchen floor. Damn homie. It waz all clear liquid comin up 2. Fuccin strait vodka man. Muthafuccas being like, “You okay? you okay?”
I couldn’t even fuccin see man, I could just hear voices. And I kept being like, “Yeah man, I’m cool.” Wipe my face. Picc up my hat & put it bacc on. And try 2 bucc up & shake it off.
For a minute I felt better & tried 2 offer 2 clean up the mess I’d just made all over the floor, but Snowflake got a mop & said not 2 worry. And then I started 2 get sicc again.

I only remember the rest of the night in bits & pieces. Luccy 4 me I had 2 homies---mainly Snowflake but G-Tag too, who both had my bacc & made sure no fuct up shit happened 2 me. Cuz in tha state i waz in, anything coulda happened.

Blacc Out: woke up sittin on the edge of the tub in tha bathroom. Like half dozen people standin there sayin, “Damn wat da fucc we need in there!” My bad. Stagger outside.

Blacc Out: woke up sittin on the porch outside & started pukin my guts out again.

Blacc Out: woke up sittin in the passenger seat of my car with somebody tryin 2 talk 2 me. Thinkin it waz G-Tag, even though i waz still 2 fuct up 2 see, i didn’t trip & actually tried 2 communicate & have a conversation. He waz wantin my # & I was like, “you have it.” But then gave it 2 him anyway. Then I waz like, “Where’s my car keys?”

He said, “Ya boy G-Tag got em.”

And then i waz suddenly like, “Huh? Oh shit, where he at then?” And in my head I’m thinkin THEN WHO DA FUCC ARE YOU? Later i would find out it waz Loco.

Anyway, so Snowflake came out 2 checc on me & found Loco in the drivers seat of my car next 2 me tryna talk 2 me. For some reason Loco said i should go inside. I still don’t know why he said that or why I actually listened tho.
Bacc n-side i looked around 4 G-Tag. A roomfull of mexicans but Everyone’s faces were a blur. I waz lookin 4 G-Tags big orange hoodie but since I couldn’t find him I sat down on the couch, leaned over and passed out again.

Blacc Out: woke up to G-Tag tellin me 2 come on so I stagged outside 2 the car. We waz giving this fool Loco a ride 2 his crib. I cant remember any conversation. I just slumped all tha way down in my reclined seat & kicct my addidas up on the dash & let my head get lost n da bumpin bass from da Kenwood playin my “G-Mix” CD with Lil Scrappy & Yung Joc.
Slowly I waz feeling less sicc. By the time we got bacc 2 R-Town I waz feelin almost coherant. We parked in the dark alley at the end of the street by G-Tag’s place 4 a while & chilled n da car 4 a while. I found my BB Pistol & realized sumbody had broke tha fuccin clip. I waz so fuccin mad. Thatz an $80 gun & at the time I waznt thinkin how u can replace da clip. I got so mad & still so fuct up I got up out the car & walked down the blocc. Punched a telephone pole a few times & then slashed a random tire n someone’s driveway. (thatz fuct up i know. they aint done nuthin 2 me so it waz fuct up!)

Then I walked bacc 2 da car. Snowflake decided 2 get a cheap motel room so about 8:00am we checced n2 our room 2 crash. I couldn’t sleep tho. I waz trippin on tha night b4 cuz I shoulda not got fuct up like that. I mean, any kinda fuct up shit coulda happened 2 me. There I waz completely out of it, pukin & passin out around a bunch of mofos i ain’t never met in my life. I’m just sayin, it all turned out cool but itz stupid on my part 2 let myself end up in bullshit possisions like that. Thatz like setting my own self up. I mean at least Snowflake & G-Tag had my bacc, but that aint sposed 2 be their job 2 babysit my ass cuz i’m 2 wasted 2 watch out 4 my own self.
There waz whole things I couldn’t remember at all from that night. Snowflake filled me in. Crazy. Just crazy. Bacc n tha day I NEVER got fuct up like that. EVER.

After 3 or 4 hours of sleep, G-Tag asked if I’d give him a ride over 2 his crib which wazn’t far. I gave him a ride & told him, “shit man, sorry 2 go n there & puke all over ya homies crib. I hav no idea how I got that fuct up.” He said it waz all good, he wasnt trippin.

So I went bacc 2 tha motel with Snowflake.